Turning My Face To The Wall... Part 1

I am in some kind of process right now in my life.  What it is, I am uncertain.  Swirling emotions... ideas... concepts.  And a very large feeling of uncertainty.  Like King Hezekiah, I turn my face to the wall, away from distraction and toward holiness and restoration.  I believe I am going through a death of sorts.  Something is no longer functioning in my life that needs to go.  Thoughts that hold me back.  Behaviors that serve me no purpose and that do not glorify the Lord.  It is a considering of my ways before Him.  I am immeasurably unworthy of His Love for me, yet I relish it with all my heart.  I thus turn my face to the wall - away from things, disengaging and releasing and letting go.  There is a time to loose and a time to hold on.  A time to purge and a time to let it all grow.

First, I will loose a story.

My Grandparent's house was a beautiful place.  It was immaculately kept.  My grandfather prided how he had the yard looking.  The grass was always neat and trimmed.  The landscaping was always good and well watered, and he never let the paint on the house look gnarly.  He would change into his gardening clothes when he came home from work and putter around outside.  The back yard had two orange trees and a lemon three.  The roots of one of the orange trees and the lemon tree mingled underground so that the oranges tasted tart like lemons, and the lemons had a wonderful sweetness to them.  They were big and fat, and made the best lemonade ever.

My Grandmother kept her house immaculately.  She had her routine.  Up with the chickens and to bed with the cows.  She would get up and prepare breakfast for my grandfather, who had three jobs before he retired.  He worked the pantry at the local bowling alley (which had gourmet food, by the way) and he also worked the railroad.  I could hear them puttering about in the kitchen through sleepy ears and drift off to sleep.  I usually awoke to the smell of spray starch as my grandmother did her daily ironing.  By the time I awakened, she would have the floors swept and all the dusting done.  Wasn't much to dust or clean, because she kept the house immaculately.  A big hug and kiss awaited me and then breakfast.

If it was Christmastime, this meant scampering to the den area to sit near a roaring fire to eat breakfast.  She had really cool TV trays with flowers and dragonflies on them.  I loved looking at them and would always request mine as close to the fireplace as possible.  There were old collected Christmas Candles all over the house.  Sometimes, If I got there
early enough, she would let me help her decorate the house.  Cards from friends and well-wishers were all over the house.  On the walls, on the mantle, on the tables - everywhere.  It was such a happy scene.  Stockings on the mantle, tinsel on the walls, and the best part was the lights all over the house with Santa and the Reindeer on the roof!  When we turned the corner on my Grandparent's street, imagine this wonderful festive scene!  A quick bump on the car horn and the door flew open with happy Grandparents meeting us at the car kissing and hugging me and my whole family.

Once inside, usually at night, we would be met with the grand scene... the 7' white flocked Christmas tree with red bulbs and a COLOR WHEEL!  Mesmerizing hours staring at the whole room turning colors.  Red!  Orange! Green!  Blue! Oooh... Red again!!!!  Throw in Sees candies, hard Christmas candy, home made fudge, and loads of gifts under the tree - and the roaring fire with the ever present nut bowl loaded to the brim with filberts, pecans, almonds, walnuts and more pecans!

These are memories to cherish,
and nothing could beat the family Christmas party...  Watch for Part 2...

It's Better To Finish Than To Start...

had a conversation with a good friend of mine, because i was feeling a bit blah, and it was great to get the call.  we talked about living a life of artistry while being inextricably rooted and grounded in the Lord.  we talked about letting go and moving on.  we talked about moving forward and feeling loss.  all of which sets up this post.  been doing it for a while and it dawned on me that probably nobody reads it.  then i sat back and began to think - well, who the heck am i anyway?  why should anybody care who coco street is or what you have to say?

i shall sing and play for an audience of ONE.

that's right.  who cares anyway?  nobody.  i am doing this because God made me able to do it.  and it makes me happy.  and it glorifies HIM because i'm doing what He gave me the ability to do.  it would be nice if i could connect with other people, but that's cool.  i realized today that GOD sees me... and that's quite enough.  

so what will i finish?  if the Lord is willing, my dissertation.  all the songs i have to finish.  all the songs yet to sing.  retraining myself as a musician, videographer, songwriter.  all the conversations i never finished.  all the laughs started, and then stifled.  all the hugs, laughs and shared pizzas.  i'm gonna put on a concert, for the Holy Spirit.  why not?  even if nobody comes.  i will plan it, and rehearse for it - and perform with all my heart and soul.  maybe i'll invite others to perform for Him too.  who needs an audience of humans?  we only need the Lord, and everything else will be extra gravy.

Promote your mixtape at ReverbNation.com

There Is A Time For Everything...

Triskaidekaphobia? Not for me!

Triskaidekaphobia?  Not for me!

So today, I embarked on a new journey.  To begin living life, and that more abundantly.  I have lived in a shell... in the shadows, in fear of success.  There, Suzette.  I have finally admitted it.  I am afraid to succeed.  I will be working on that as I begin to realize my dreams.  I will learn to DJ.  As a hobby.  I love everything about DJing.  It was taken away from me at a young age, but I will have my day.  I will pursue percussion.  I love drums and congas and bongos!  I LOVE the bass guitar.  Why not learn to play while I have breath!  I love to perform and dance and sing.  Why have I denied myself these joys?

I'll tell you why.  Because those things took me far, far away from the Lord of Lords.  I battle with myself daily to enter again into places to dance and enjoy myself, because of those who also frequent those places.  How can a woman of God go out and dance?  How can a Godly woman start DJing and becoming a musician?  You see all those moralistic sitcoms about people who want to pick up where they left off, only to be put back into place by the people around them who want them to "return to normal."  If I started dressing Goth again, people in my world would think I've lost my mind!  But, maybe s l o w l y, and incorporate a look that will allow me to express my respect for the circle of life with the world of capitalism and bureaucracy.

Photo via http://feed.ln-cc.com/story/aw13-ii

Ummm... mebbe not.

I think I am finally beginning to understand what my Bishop said, that "not everyone will be able to go with you."  All things to all people that I might save some?  And those people in the other areas of my life may not be able to come with me into the holy place - the great congregation, where we gather in the Holy name of Jesus.  I was once asked, "What's a Christian girl doing at a party?"  I said, "Having fun.  Christians like to dance, too!"  But since then, those words drilled down into my heart and became a place of contention for me.  What WAS I doing there... with people like them?  After all, "evil communications corrupt good manners," right?  So i dug a safe little hole and hid.  And I've been hiding ever since.

I think what I need is accountability.  It is SOOOOOOOO easy to backslide.  And that's my main concern.  I have heard how God can clean you up and put you right back out there, where the enemy is waiting to draw you away by tempting you - if it is possible.  Here is what I am willing to try - calculated jaunts into the "other side."  That "other side" is not my life anymore.  I desire to please GOD!

So, behold the nascence of IRON CROSS ENTERPRISES.  Est. 06/13/14.
Those inclined to seek the face of GOD on a serious basis, please do uplift.

Thankyouverymuch.

Possess Your Soul, in Patience

The name of this image is "In The Offing."  It struck my attention as I searched for images to convey how I feel about life in general right now.  I know the Lord has something there for me out there... but my vision is obscured - it is "in the offing."  I thought of Luke 21:19 (Message Version). 

Image by Marianne Michel

     "Staying with it - that's what is required. Stay with it to the end. You won't be sorry; you'll be saved."

I must keep remembering what the goal of life is.  Not things which are external, and that will become dilapidated and tarnished with age, but with those lasting, eternal, internal, holy things of the Lord.  

What you take with you to the grave is your name and your legacy.  With that, I must wait for God to reveal His purpose for me from faith to Faith, and from glory to Glory.  So many times I want to rush and try to control my future - but that is as futile as trying to see what is in the offing.  

I must take joy that God knows. That God sees.  And so with patience, I possess me my soul. 

A New Look at the Prayer of Jabez

Another look at I Chron. 4:9 & 10 NIV

9 Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, saying, "I gave birth to him in pain." 10 Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request.

New Look:

Sorrowful Pain became very rich.  This probably meant he had lots of livestock and people and children and wives (check out Abraham and Lot in Genesis 13).  Having this kind of wealth meant he was seen in his family as more honorable and responsible.  It also meant he was more of a burden on the land because of it, just like in the days of Abraham and Lot!  Sorrowful Pain's own family and his extended family lived together in the same area. 

Things became environmentally unsustainable, uncomfortable, and unpleasant.  There wasn’t room enough for everybody because of Sorrowful Pain's many blessings.  Sorrowful Pain began to outgrow the boundaries of his family’s territory... just like he did in the womb. 

Remember, his name was Sorrowful Pain; and he had to live with it because his mother called him that.  After all, the labor and delivery process was so painful to her, that she named her newborn child Sorrowful Pain, because that is what she experienced while she was delivering him.  Sorrowful Pain was bigger than his mother's birth canal.  Sorrowful Pain’s mother’s cervix was too narrow and needed to enlarge (dilate) so that he could come through without causing so much sorrowful pain.  She probably really needed a Cesarean section! Now, as a grown man and more “honorable” than his family, Sorrowful Pain outgrew the borders in which he lives.  All his wealth and blessings became burdensome.  He again is too big for his boundaries... or is it that the boundary is too small for his size?  Truly, he could have blamed his mother for being too small for him to come through.  Let's look at it from the perspective of the fetus.  What if Jabez’s mother's narrow cervix caused him sorrowful pain and distress during labor?   

All his life, he would have heard the story of how he was born.  Over and over, at every birthday, every important moment, at his Bar Mitzvah, at family gatherings, at the birth of his own children, when his mother was among the other women spinning or drawing water... and perhaps especially when she was angry with him.  At any rate, the relationship between Jabez and his mother was strained, to say the least, because she never changed his name.  I'm sure he wondered within himself, "How?"  "Why?"  Maybe he asked a physician why it happened.  Maybe he saw it happen when a cow had difficulty calving and made the connection. And now, in his current outgrown boundary, strife and displeasure arises, and the honorable blessings are now a burden.  Sorrowful Pain prays,

Image by Michael Dudash

"O Lord, the blessing that I am, and now the blessings that you allowed me to have, are again causing others to experience burden, sorrow, and pain.  This is because I have outgrown where I am.  Where I am is not large enough to hold me any longer, and it is causing problems and complications. 

I think back on why my mother named me Sorrowful Pain.  My arrival into this world was supposed to be a blessing, and I ended up causing my mother sorrowful pain.  It was not my fault, but the labor pains and delivery were so traumatic to her, that she named me Sorrowful Pain!

Now, as a grown man, You have blessed me with riches and wealth...  but because I am so large in number, the blessings have become a burden to my family! 

So please bless me with blessings that bless, not cause sorrowful pain or burden!   Please enlarge  my borders (dilate the cervix) and support me;  take away all of the constraints, and keep me  away from evil, distressful, and vexing situations  so that the blessing of life and the blessings of  life and the blessings for life do not cause me  sorrowful pain!” 

And God granted his request.

So, was Jabez too big, or was his mother's cervix too small?  Did Jabez have any control over his size?   Could he have made himself smaller in the womb?  No.   He was what he was.  What God created him to be.  However, his mother could have asked the Lord to make her cervix dilate larger so she wouldn't have sorrowful pain.  She could have prayed, "Oh, that you would bless me with this blessing so I don't experience it as a curse, and enlarge my cervix! Let your strength and support be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from sorrowful pain."

I believe God would have granted her request.

Like Jabez's mother blamed him for causing her sorrowful pain, Jabez could have blamed the great blessing of God for causing familial and environmental distress.  Jabez was in a situation where he was about to "give birth" to his destiny!  The murmurings of the environment were literally labor pains that began to distress and vex him.  Rather than blame the blessing for causing the murmurings and distress, he asked God to enlarge the environment.  Jabez did not ask God to make his blessings smaller, he asked God to make the environment, the boundary bigger.  Jabez's mother would not have been able to make her body bigger so that Jabez could be born at the size he was... but she could have asked God to make her birth canal bigger!!

Although Jabez's mother blamed Jabez (her blessing) for her pain, Jabez did not blame his blessing.  Instead, he prayed, "Lord - please bless me with this blessing to be a blessing and don't allow this blessing to be a curse to me! Enlarge my boundaries and remove the constraints - dilate this constraining cervix! Let your strength and support be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from sorrowful pain."

Jabez broke the cycle.  Fallen Man's proclivity is to blame someone or something else for distress or sorrowful pain.  Rather than to blame, Jabez went to the Lord.  This prayer is in the shape of the Cross. 

Jabez went vertical, and the Lord blessed the horizontal.

As for me, to shrink and make myself smaller is not an option, for to do so would be to deny my very existence and essence, and the blessing that I am.  If others view my person, the blessings, the "glory," the vastness, ability, wealth, and honor God has given me to be burdensome enough to call me “Sorrowful Pain,” it is not my fault.  I am not to attempt to diminish myself as if something is wrong with me because God has blessed me.  Nor am I to renounce the blessings – abdicate them, give them away or ask God to take them away.  What is it if I said to God, "I don't want your blessings.  They are a burden to me and my family. Take them back!"  That would be insulting!  It would mean my perception, paradigm, capacity to receive, and thinking is too small!   Rather, I am to ask God to BLESS me by the blessings and to disallow them from being burdensome, causing me pain, or becoming a curse, so that I can freely bless others with the blessings God has blessed me to bless others with! 

I must acknowledge God’s blessings as good and ask Him to expand the horizon, and remove the constraints so that I am protected from harm and free from sorrowful pain.  I am to reverence the Lord by recognizing the beauty of His good pleasure in my life with humility and holiness.  As it is written, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise." (Psalm 111:10, NIV)